Covid-19 Didn’t Break My Relationship, But it Did Make its Ending That Much Harder
It’s not that I didn’t feel pangs of sympathy for the unlucky couple when I’d witness the end of a romance, but I always thought that I had what it takes to pick up the pieces if I were to ever find myself in that situation.
This was before Covid. Or, before I knew Covid-19 would still be an issue nearly a year after the United States’ March 2020 lockdown.
My former partner and I were together for a year and nine months. I even stayed at his house during the lockdown in the spring of 2020. There were some arguments, but how could there not have been during such an unprecedented situation? Those eight weeks or so, while under intimidating circumstances, ultimately brought us closer together. However, our time living in the same home may have made it even harder for us to go our separate ways just under six months later.
Without getting too far into why my ex-significant other and I broke things off, we had different ideas for how we wanted our relationship to work, and what we wanted for our futures both together and apart. He had been a part of several long-term commitments prior to meeting me, while I had only casually dated a couple of other guys. I knew that I was in love and wanted him in my life, but my desire to travel and experience many of the things he had already ticked off his checklist kept me from committing to our relationship in the way that he needed me to. These differences caused tension between us long before the pandemic started, so while we didn’t break up because of the virus and its effects on everyday life, this post-breakup isolation is a unique breed of loneliness.
In a way, it feels like everything in my life that could go wrong, has gone wrong. I’m stuck living in a city that I don’t like until I finish my undergrad next spring. I can’t study abroad for at least another nine months, something I have looked forward to since I was a freshman in high school. But what is truly devastating to me is that I have to continue searching for myself without my best friend, someone I truly love, there to encourage me to keep going.
The end of my first serious relationship shattered my already foggy sense of self. I learned the hard way that mutual love isn’t all that it takes for a romantic partnership to work. How is a young woman who grew up on Disney Princess films supposed to handle a pill like that? What can you do when you know a loved one is struggling in many of the same ways you are, but that reaching out will only hurt them more? I’m still trying to figure out who I am without my former significant other, and how to follow my heart when the world won’t allow me to explore it. I have yet to grasp what it means to both be an ex, and to have an ex (e.g. ‘does this mean we can never see each other again?’)
My partner provided me with the love, friendship, and support that I needed to stay strong during an increasingly uncertain time. I sincerely hope I was able to do the same for him, even if only temporarily. Now that we are no longer an item, I am blindly searching for some sense of control in the chaos that this pandemic represents.
Disclaimer: This article is in no way intended to disavow the experiences of those who have lost a loved one, a job, etc. during the coronavirus pandemic. My purpose in writing this piece is to shine a light on how Covid-19 impacts our personal relationships.
