The Consequences of Shame: What Prevents Us From Living Better, Happier Lives
Author Brené Brown says that shame is one of the most painful human emotions, and has the power to destroy us and our relationships if we allow it. Shame, as opposed to guilt or remorse, convinces us that our negative actions define us, and that we as individuals are the problem. This mindset prevents us from improving as people. What would be the point of changing our ways if we think that we are simply a bad person, and that being disrespectful to others is just an uncontrollable part of our nature? Rule of thumb: if you’re feeling guilty for upsetting someone, in whatever way that may be, this is all the evidence required to prove that you are indeed capable of having a healthy relationship with yourself and those around you. What needs to happen next is answering the questions of “why?”, “how?”, and “what next?”, so you can evolve from shame to that of empowering remorse.
Most of us are still grappling with happenings from our childhood. Two of the most prevalent types of shame regard either something that happened to us, or how we reacted to a situation. These events could have been major such as abuse, or more minor incidents when we acted inappropriately. Before I continue, understand that the person on the receiving end of abusive behavior is never at fault for what happened to them. If you or someone you know is experiencing shame as a result of being abused, know that the guilt is undeserved. Do not carry the weight of someone else’s misdeeds on your shoulders. Acknowledge your emotions and get professional help to recover, but do not blame yourself for the harm that was inflicted upon you. This shame exists outside of you and belongs only to the perpetrator.
One of the most beautiful things about life is that we are solely responsible for our words and actions. This thought used to terrify me. It is so tempting to point fingers at others, even when we are the ones who did something immoral. When we lie, when we’re spiteful, when we hurl insults, or shut down when we are angry, the reasons why we are responding in hurtful ways make sense in the moment. We might catch ourselves defending our choices (‘they deserved it!’) to avoid experiencing the pain of shame. The reality is though, no one inherently has that kind of treatment coming. The “eye for an eye” perspective only disarms everyone involved from the opportunity to better understand their role in a negative situation, as well as how to do better.
This is not to say that a person shouldn’t defend themselves from mistreatment. For instance, if someone touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, or even fear for your life, do whatever you can to stop them. Explicitly aggressive behaviors, whether they be physical or emotional, show a lack of consideration for the emotional and bodily autonomy of others. This is why individuals who end up killing someone in self-defense, such as in a home invasion scenario, are not punished the way a person who kills out of their own free-will would. We may still feel shame for hurting another human being, because out of context our response was inappropriate. However, with all of the details, we can understand why we acted in a manner we may have never thought we would.
In less severe situations, we create justifications for why our questionable decisions are acceptable, even if they only make sense to us. Personal accountability is one of the greatest strengths a person can have, but it is also one of the most challenging to cultivate. This is where reasons vs. excuses come in. We cannot control where we come from, but we can control where we go next. Growing up in a toxic environment is an explanation for why we may re-enact these unhealthy relationship dynamics, but it isn’t a free-pass to treat someone unfairly. If anything, it is all the more reason to treat those we love with utmost care and consideration. Shame keeps us stuck in a painful past, with the illusion of an inescapably harrowing future. However, if we behaved in a way that we now regret, why can’t we use the same control that landed us in a bad situation to become even better versions of ourselves?
The truth is, very few of us are bonafide “bad people”. That includes you. We’re just humans with baggage that we don’t always know how to handle appropriately. When we make room for shame in our lives, we make room for hurting everyone around us, including ourselves. Shame and the fear that accompanies it are incompatible with a life well-spent.
